Use Me, Abuse Me Love Me
by Cheeseburger of Doom
Summary: [Tokyo Babylon] Subaru is hired to "get rid" of a ghost. The ghost has an interesting story to tell, that makes Subaru wonder...


A/N: I really wanted to write a Tokyo Babylon fic -- so I did. I'm not sure whether I captured its mood, or if I horribly mangled it, but...I love Subaru. I love Subaru so much, and I love his angst and -- Tokyo Babylon is amazing, ne? 

Use Me, Abuse Me. Love Me

It was quiet.

The fact that it was quiet was not a surprising thing, but it was the only thing he could dwell on -- because nothing else was happening. Because...it was quiet.

He was waiting. He could sense something, here; something that needed to be fixed. Something that needed to be finished.

He'd been hired to "get rid of the damn ghost that's haunting us, before we go crazy!". He wanted to set the spirit free. He knew it was near, but it did not want to speak with him just now, it seemed. 

So, he was waiting...and it was quiet.

There were things that he could think about right now. His sister had teased him before leaving the house -- he could think of that. Think of how embarrassed he'd been. 

It caused a blush to rise to his cheeks. Rather adorable...There was someone who would have teased him even more for that blush.

Which made him blush even more.

No, maybe it was best not to think of anything...best to think of nothing at all. To dwell on the fact that it was quiet...

The spirit was shy. He realized that as it took a few tentative steps toward him. It had been hiding all this time because it was shy.

"Who are you?" it asked him, timidly.

"My name is Subaru."

"Have you come to send me away?"

"Yes," Subaru replied.

"I don't want to go away."

"Why not?" The spirit looked so sad that Subaru felt sympathy for it instantly. He may not have been in tune with living humans -- but he could feel this dead human's sorrow as if it was his own...and he didn't even know what her sorrow really _was._

"Because this is where he lives..." the spirit replied. It gazed around the room, and the look on its face was a mixture of pain, longing, and -- something else that Subaru couldn't place. If he'd known more about emotion, he would have recognized it as love.

"He?" The spirit was small, and slender, and it had beautifully long eye lashes -- but it was, or at least it had been, a male. Yet he said "He", as if...As if _he_ had been a lover.

"Him." The spirit's eyes filled with tears. Even the dead can cry, if their hearts are still in pain. "The one who left me. I loved him with all of my heart, and yet he...He wasn't what he seemed. When I met him, he was so kind and gentle...He was that way for the longest time. I didn't want to get involved with him, I tried to push him away, I tried to deny my feelings for him...and he never stopped telling me that he loved me. I couldn't resist him any longer, and then...he left me. He wasn't what I thought he was. He only wanted to use me!"

Subaru felt a chill run down his spine. Something about the look in this spirit's eyes, something about the entire story -- something about the way he felt a stab of pain in his heart so intense that he almost collapsed...Something about the way that he could understand this spirit's pain so well...It scared him. 

Why would that be, though?

"He was so kind to me...he told me he loved me..."

Subaru knew someone like that. Someone kind, gentle, caring...Someone who seemed to care for him.

"And then he left me."

What if...?

"I don't even care that he wanted to use me! I would have let him use me, and use me, and use me! But why did he have to leave me? Why?"

Subaru had no answer to that question. He did not know how he could comfort this spirit; there seemed to be no way.

The silence stretched on. The spirit's gaze bored into Subaru, demanding that he answer; or at least that he say something.

"Do you hate him?" Subaru asked, finally.

"Yes!" the spirit exclaimed angrily, eyes full of fire. Then, the fire died. "No. No matter what he was, I could never hate him...I love him just the same."

Subaru wondered if the _him_ that the spirit was talking about was the same person who had demanded that he send the ghost away -- the same person who had talked about this spirit as if it were a huge nuisance.

__

"I can't sleep because I hear the stupid guy crying all the time," he'd said. "I don't even believe in ghosts, but I've no other explanation for this. I just want him to leave me and my girlfriend alone. She hears his damn whining, too."

So.

"He never loved me, though..."

"I'm sorry," Subaru said. It was the only thing left he could say. 

"Now he's with that girl...I'm so jealous. It's not fair."

Life isn't fair, Subaru thought, but he said nothing.

"He seems happy enough, though, and for that I'm grateful, but it hurts so much that he never felt anything for me at all!"

"I'm sure he must have loved you," Subaru said. "There must have been some part of him that loved you. How could he not?"

He was surprised at himself. He didn't usually make statements like that -- but it seemed like the right thing to say. It seemed like the right thing to say to calm his own rapidly beating heart.

"Do you really believe that?" the spirit asked. "You didn't even know him..."

"I believe it," Subaru said, and strangely enough -- he did. Human nature was most often cruel, but deep down he really believed that _someone_ must have loved this spirit during his lifetime...

"Thank you." The spirit smiled. A tiny smile, but a real one. "I let him use me, and abuse me...because I loved him, and I wanted him to love me, like he said he did. I...I killed myself when he was gone."

"I know. Are you ready to go?" Subaru asked. "You can't stay here."

"I know. Yes...send me away."

Subaru began to chant.

Subaru wondered why this case was affecting him...wondered why he was suddenly afraid of what would happen in his future, regarding a certain someone, who was kind and gentle, and who told him often that...

__

I love you, Subaru-kun...

~~~~~

"Subaru! Mou, wake up already!"

Subaru rubbed his eyes, and blinked at the rather scary face looming over him.

"What time is it?"

"Late! You have a job today, you know! It's not like you to oversleep..."

No, it wasn't -- but he didn't usually have nightmares that seemed like reality, either. He'd thought he was _at_ his job, but he'd been sleeping all this time...

Subaru dressed quickly, and on his way out the door, he encountered Seishiro.

"Let me drive you there, Subaru-kun."

"Thank you." Subaru bowed, his over-polite nature ever present.

"Anything for you."

"Ah, isn't it cute!" Hokuto exclaimed.

Subaru blushed. 

"Yes, he certainly is," Seishiro said. 

Subaru turned even redder, and then followed Seishiro out the door. Seishiro drove him places sometimes -- and he had to admit that he liked that. He liked spending time with Seishiro-san...

He liked...

"You're even more quiet than usual, Subaru-kun."

"I...I had a strange dream, last night," Subaru said quietly. 

"Oh, what about?"

"I don't really remember." It was a lie, but he really didn't want to go into details about it. Not to Seishiro-san, anyway.

"Maybe it was a dream that made you doubt my intentions."

Subaru gave Seishiro a startled look. How could he have known that...?

"You shouldn't worry though, Subaru-kun."

Someone that kind and gentle must be what he seems, Subaru decided. Nightmares are just that -- nightmares.

And even if Seishiro was not what he seemed, Subaru liked spending time with him -- he liked...many things about him.

Even if Subaru did not understand emotions, he still had them.

__

"I don't even care that he wanted to use me! I would have let him use me, and use me, and use me! But why did he have to leave me? Why?"

"No matter what he was, I could never hate him...I love him just the same."

"Ne, Seishiro-san..."

"Yes?"

Subaru looked away. "Never mind."

"If something's troubling you..."

"No, it's nothing. I thought I remembered something, but it slipped away again," Subaru said. He looked out of the window at the world passing him by.

__

I'll always love him, just the same.

I'd let him use me, and use me, and use me...and I'll be very sad when he leaves...

Subaru barely heard the little voice in his head. It was only a murmur. It was best not to think of anything...best to think of nothing at all.

It was quiet in the car.

Very, very quiet.

~~~~~


End file.
